


Applause

by Starlight1395



Series: Requests From You [8]
Category: Monsta X (Band)
Genre: Angst, Coping, Flashbacks, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, PTSD, Self-Harm, platonic Changkyun/Minhyuk, somewhat open ending
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-03
Updated: 2019-02-03
Packaged: 2019-10-21 20:03:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,566
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17648990
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Starlight1395/pseuds/Starlight1395
Summary: It had been a year since his members collected Changkyun from the hospital. They were so grateful that their maknae wasn't hurt. They didn't realize, however, that you can be injured in ways other than physical.Every time it storms, Changkyun is thrown back in time to the accident. He can feel the rain, smell the burning rubber from the crash, feel the heat from the fire singing his eyebrows. He was helpless to stop the flashbacks, until he found a way to ground him - a way to remind himself that he wasn't there.Minhyuk knew something was wrong, but nothing prepared him for what was really happening.





	Applause

**Author's Note:**

> This is a gift for my dear friend Rebecca. I hope this helps love <3

_“CHANGKYUN! GET DOWN!” His friend’s voice screamed out. Changkyun turned in slow motion, staring down the headlights. He was frozen. There was nothing he could do - no matter how much his mind screamed at him to FUCKING MOVE he was frozen in his spot. His rain soaked bangs covered his eyes but he didn’t even feel the water drilling into his exposed skin._   
_  
“MOVE!” He was slammed to the ground just as the thunder struck. Changkyun’s whole world lit up so bright he thought he would never be able to see again. He heard rather than saw the lightning hit the tree, the leaves bursting into flames as the car started smoking._

Changkyun shook, biting his knuckles to keep his sobs silent. He managed to hide this for almost a year. When the accident happened, his members were horrified. Their maknae went out to get dinner with his friends, and suddenly they were getting a call from the police, saying Changkyun was in the hospital because of a car crash.

They had rushed to the hospital, sobbing when he found out their youngest was okay - shocked and soaked and shaking but physically okay, other than a shallow cut across his leg. The driver of the car had died in the crash, but the only real injury in his group was his one friend who broke his thigh. They rushed back to the dorm, and made sure to keep an eye on Changkyun. After a few months, they let the boy do more without being watched, but after the incident they were all extra protective.

Changkyun swallowed back bile as another bolt of lighting lit up the dark bathroom that he was hiding in. His breathing picked up, but no matter how hard he tried, he couldn’t separate his fear from that night from his fear in the moment.

He gripped the scissors in his hand, the blade already turning brown with drying blood. The thin, haphazard lines on his thigh stung lightly, like a bad sunburn rather than lacerations in his skin.

The crash of thunder sounded, and Changkyun could almost hear the metal curling around the tree, just inches from him. He gripped the scissors tighter, feeling the blade dig into his hand but not breaking the skin.

Another flash of lightning, and he was staring down the car again.

Changkyun whined, tears gushing down his cheeks like the rain had that night. He knew he was safe - that nothing was going to hurt him - but he was still so petrified. Every time there was a thunderstorm, he found himself back at the accident where he wasn’t safe.

With shaking hands, he made another line, trying to make it deeper, but it wasn’t. Scissor blades could only do so much damage to skin, no matter what angle you use them at or how much pressure you put down.

Changkyun let his hand fall and rested his head against the edge of the tub. Scared tears continued to roll down his face, flinching every time there was a flash and crash.

Usually hurting himself helped him ground his mind - helped him remember where he was, but this time it wasn’t working as well.

He needed to get something more. Last time it stopped working, he had to stop using a safety pin and find a sharp pair of scissors.

As the storm passed, Changkyun cleaned the drying blood and bandage the wounds. He didn’t want them to rub during practice the next day, or later that day he realized when he finally checked his phone. It was almost two in the morning and they were expected to be at the company building by seven.

He fell into his bed, exhausted both physically and emotionally. He heard Jooheon shifting across the room, but could tell by his breathing that the older rapper wasn’t awake. Changkyun took a shaking breath and buried his face in his pillow.

* * *

  
“Hey, are you alright?” Minhyuk asked, watching Changkyun wince as he accidentally hit his leg. The younger looked up, fear flashing through his eyes before settling on a smile.

“Of course hyung,” He said, no hesitation or other emotion in his voice. Minhyuk must have imagined the look that passed over his maknae’s face for that brief second. “Why wouldn’t I be?’

“Ah, no reason…” The elder trailed off, looking back down at his phone.

“There’s going to be another storm tonight.” Jooheon mentioned casually as he scrolled through some notifications. Changkyun froze.

“This weather is getting ridiculous,” Kihyun complained, looking out the single window of the practice room towards the grey cloud hanging over the area. “No storms for months and two in a row?”

“It’s good for the plants,” Hyunwoo said softly. It was no secret that the leader had a soft spot for a good storm. During the summer, when it rained, he was more often than not out on the deck, watching the city lights glitter through the curtain of water. “We need more rain here.”

“Rain is one thing,” Hoseok countered. “But thunder two nights in a row? I’m not going to be able to sleep again.”

A bolt of fear shot through Changkyun. It never dawned on him that someone else in the dorm might have still been awake while he was having a full blown panic attack in the bathroom. He glanced at the elder from the corner of his eye, but Hoseok seemed to be his usual, bubbly self - nothing showing that he had any idea what had happened.

Changkyun let out a breath he hadn’t realized he had been holding

“Alright everyone, from the top again!”

* * *

  
Changkyun thought he would be okay. Sometimes, on the rare occasion that he could fall asleep before the storm hits he could go through until morning with no interruption. He was the heaviest sleeper in the dorm - sleeping through his alarm most of the time and needing Kihyun to come in and shake him awake.

He was exhausted from practice, so when he fell in to bed, he expected his eyes to immediately close and to instantly be asleep.

Unfortunately things rarely work that well.

He tossed and turned, his anxiety growing with every tick of the clock that he was still awake. He could feel the storm brewing almost, as if the closer the clouds got, the stuffier the room became, until he could barely breathe.

The first thunderclap was far away, but it was enough to make his eyes fly wide open and his heart rate to skyrocket.

One time, after a particularly bad storm, Changkyun mused the irony of the term thunderclap. He was an idol. He savored every moment he was standing on stage, listening to his Monbebes cheer and scream for them. He lived for their applause, but as soon as the sky clapped for him, he was on his knees, praying for it to stop.

The second time he heard the sky cheer, it was much closer. He felt his whole body seized up in fear. It was almost right on top of the dorm, and any hope of falling asleep before it hit was quickly thrown out the window when a third clap stuck even closer.

Changkyun slipped out of bed and went to the kitchen. He got a glass of water, wanting the sticky taste of fear in the back of his mouth to go away. He drained the glass in moments, but as he was about to put it back on the counter, the storm hit. Rain pelted the windows hard, shaking the very frames with the force. Changkyun could hear the wind rattling the dorm building. His hands started to shake, and just as he was about to safely put the glass down, a flash of lightning brightened the kitchen. He jumped and dropped the cup, the glass shattering against the tile.

Another flash of lightning lit up the shards, making a morbid rainbow against the wall for half a second before fading again. Changkyun crouched and started to clean up the mess, slitting the meat of his thumb before stopping and realizing his hand was covered in little cuts, the blood dripping onto the floor and mixing with what little water had been left in the cup before it fell.

Changkyun contemplated leaving it, but he worried someone would stumble in, half asleep, and cut their foot, so he quickly cleaned the mess. He saved one large shard, holding it tightly in his right hand as he dumped the rest of the glass into the trash. Just as he finished, a loud clap of thunder hit, sounding like it had landed across the street. Changkyun couldn’t completely bite back his scream and ran to the bathroom, tears already closing this throat and stinging his eyes.

The second the door was locked, he let the tears fall. His hang stung, and his lip hurt from biting it and he was so, so tired but he knew he wasn’t going to be able to sleep until the storm passed. The floor shook with the intensity of the thunder, shaking almost as hard as Changkyun hands as he smelled the burning rubber again.

The rain was hitting him - but why was he dry - and his friends were laughing. They were a little tipsy. Not drunk, but pleasantly buzzed. They had decided to walk home in the rain instead of getting a taxi because they wanted to splash in the puddles and extend their night just a little longer. When they heard a crash of thunder in the distance, they started hurrying to find shelter. Playing in the rain was one thing, but getting caught in a thunderstorm was another. They passed by the big tree quickly, knowing it might conduct lighting.

Another thunderclap hit, much closer this time. Changkyun jumped, his soaked shoes squelching against the sidewalk.

“Changkyun! Look out!” He turned and saw a car skidding across the road. It was heading right towards him, but he couldn’t move. The sky lit up. Thunder clapped again, even closer. The car jerked and crashed into the tree, five feet from where Changkyun stood, just as lightning struck. The tree burst into flames that the rain couldn’t sate.

Changkyun had been thrown to the ground from the force of the explosion, his head feeling fuzzy and red soaking through his jeans.

No, the red was flowing freely down his flesh. Changkyun blinked as the pain finally hit him. He wasn’t at the tree. There was no car, no friends, no fire. He was in the bathroom of his dorms. He was safe.

A whimper escaped his lips as the room lit up, and he could have sworn he heard the frantic horn of the car blaring at him, warning him to get out of the way. As the light faded, Changkyun’s fear started to fade as well. The thunder was getting softer and softer with each round of applause.

The storm was gone, off showering some other city. Changkyun took a deep breath and started cleaning his leg. The glass had worked better than the scissors. He knew hurting himself was bad, but it was the only thing that kept him grounded when he started getting flashbacks, so he was going to keep doing it.

As long as the others didn’t find out, he was fine.

* * *

  
“I got Changkyunnie!” Minhyuk grinned as he turned to the youngest.

“It’s been a while since we roomed together.” Changkyun smiled as his hyung pulled him into a side hug, nuzzling his cheek against the maknae’s head like a cat.

“Are we still going out for dinner?” Jooheon asked, looking at Hyunwoo expetendly.

“The clouds looked pretty intimidating on the way here.” Kihyun caustioned, checking his phone.

“Hmm, if it’s going to storm again we should be careful,” Hyunwoo said. Changkyun’s heart sunk. Another storm? “If you guys are okay going out in this weather we can go to that place Hyungwon pointed out a few blocks away.”

“I don’t mind a little rain.” Hoseok grinned, but Changkyun felt sick. That had been exactly what he had said that day. His vote had been the deciding factor on if they got a cab or played around longer.

“Alright, let’s get changed and we can go to dinner.” Hyunwoo decided, drawing a cheer from the boys surrounding him. Changkyun turned his back, so no one could see how pale he suddenly was. He closed his eyes and sent up a small prayer for the storm to hold off until they get back, at least.

For once, his prayer had been answered. They made it to the restaurant, ate and got back to the hotel without any problems. Not even a single drop of rain fell while they were out. The moment CHangkyun got into his hotel room, however, the storm started pelting against their windows.

“I wanted to stay up but I’m exhausted.” Minhyuk yawned as he jumped on his bed. He buried his still damp hair in the pillows and sighed happily. Despite how much time they spent at hotels while on tour, Minhyuk always loved them. He said it was like a mini vacation, and the others thought it was cute how excited he always got.

“You’ve been working hard hyung,” Changkyun said, smiling at the elder. “You deserve a good night’s sleep.”

“You’re so cute Changkyunnie…” Minhyuk said his words already slurring from exhaustion. Changkyun knew he had maybe three more minutes before he was completely passed out, which was perfect for the younger.

According to his phone, the worst of the storm was going to hit any second. Changkyun took a deep breath and hid his face in his pillow, something wrapped in a sock grasped tightly in his hand. Maybe he’d be lucky this time. Maybe the storm will pass over them, or maybe he’ll fall asleep before it gets loud-

The thought was instantly cut off by a bright flash, followed instantly by a loud clap of thunder. The storm was right on top of them.

Changkyun gripped the item as he slipped into the bathroom, his legs almost giving out as another clap shook the world. He closed the door and sunk to the floor, shaking. He was plunged in complete darkness, the only light coming from the lightning flashing - the light showing through from under the door. The thunder cheered again and Changkyun clenched his teeth.

He hated this. He hated feeling this way. He used to love thunderstorms. They used to be his favorite type of weather. He used to be the one comforting others when they were afraid of the noise and the lights. He hated feeling vulnerable and broken because of something that happened long ago. He should be fine so why does he keep finding himself being dragged back to that day any time he heard thunder? Why does he see the car swerving right at him anytime there’s lightning. He wasn’t afraid of cars, or driving, so why thunderstorms?

He started to feel dizzy and weird, like his skin was buzzing and he was floating. He was going to get another flashback, he knew it.

A particularly loud clap of thunder made him cry out, seeing the crashed, crumbled car just inches from him. The tree, the once green leaves lit with reds and oranges, groaning and creaking against the sudden impact. A large branch cracks, slamming down on the car. Changkyun felt it’s leaves brush his cheek as it fell.

He gasped and pulled the piece of glass from the sock and didn’t hesitate to slice into his thigh. The flare of pain was followed by the sensation of cold tiles. There was no rain, no fire, no crash.

He remembered where he was. He made another cut. He was in the bathroom of the hotel. Minhyuk was asleep on the other side of the thin wall. There was a storm, but he was safe - no matter what his panic told him.

“Oh Changkyun…”

The thunder hit just as the door opened. Changkyun could feel himself slipping again, but when he tried to make another cut he found his hands were empty. He looked up and saw Minhyuk kneeling in front of him, looking close to tears.

Wait, when did the lights turn on?

“You could have just told me,” Minhyuk whispered, sitting next to the boy and pulling him into a tight hug. The thunder hit again and Changkyun tensed. He tried to pull away but Minhyuk’s arms were firm around him. “Why didn’t you tell anyone you were afraid of thunderstorms?”

“Not the storm…” Changkyun muttered, feeling his exhaustion hit him all at once now that Minhyuk was there. He felt… safe.

“Why… Changkyun, self harm is an addiction,” Minhyuk’s voice shook. “You can’t- can’t let yourself fall into that habit.”

“It’s not like that,” Changkyun deflated into Minhyuk’s embrace. “It keeps me focused. When I can’t focus, I see everything again.”

“See what?”

“The car, the tree, the fire…” Changkyun started to sob. He hadn’t spoken about his flashbacks, ever. Saying those things out loud seemed to break something in the boy and he couldn’t hold back his tears. “Everytime time it storms, it’s like I’m back there. I can- can see the car driving at me. I can hear my friends screaming. I can smell the- the burning rubber and the gas and the tree on fire and the blood. Every time I see lightning I feel like I’m being blinded. It’s all so- so real. It really feels like I’m back again, like it’s all happening again. I can feel it hyung. I can feel the rain and the heat from the fire and the pain in my leg… this is the only thing that reminds me that I’m not there. When I hurt, I remember that… that it’s over. It’s in the past.”

“Oh love, I’m so sorry we didn’t realize sooner…” Minhyuk let Changkyun sob. He understood what was happening. Changkyun had PTSD from the accident, and he had been hiding it since then. His precious, lovable maknae had been crying alone every time there was a storm, hurting himself to stay grounded.

No wonder he looked so exhausted. With the changing of the seasons, there had been more thunderstorms than usual- at least one a week, if not more.

“You’re safe now, don’t worry. Hyung is here. I got you.” Minhyuk whispered, letting Changkyun hold onto him.

The next thing Changkyun realized, it was morning. The sun filtered through the curtains softly, the dust specks dancing in the gentle light. He tried to turn over, but felt a weight across his waist. He saw Minhyuk curled around him, his nose buried in the younger’s neck, still sleeping peacefully.

Changkyun felt his leg throb, and the night before came rushing back. He felt himself start to tremble. Minhyuk knew.

“Changkyun? Are you awake?” Minhyuk’s sleepy voice broke Changkyun from his panic.

“Yeah,” he said softly, sitting up once Minhyuk removed his arm. “I’m…. sorry about last night. I didn’t want anyone to know, cuz I didn’t want them to worry.” He looked away, feeling ashamed of himself. He let his hand rest over his leg and felt a bandage. Minhyuk must have cleaned him up...

“There’s nothing to be sorry for,” Minhyuk said instantly, pulling Changkyun against his chest. “What happened to you was scary. Any one of us would have been just as shaken if we were in your shoes. But Changkyun… I guess I understand why you hid it, but you have to talk to us. You don’t have to handle all of this on your own.”

“I’m sorry… I know I should be over this by now-”

“Don’t apologize,” Minhyuk said again, holding Changkyun a little tighter. “You didn’t do anything wrong, you hear me? I… I texted Hyunwoo hyung. I didn’t tell him what happened but I told him you needed to tell him something. I figured you wouldn’t want everyone to know immediately, but he needs to understand what’s going on.”

Changkyun hated that Minhyuk was right. If anyone had to know, it should be their leader. He didn’t want to talk about anything. It was pathetic enough that he was still freaking out over an accident that happened forever ago.

“Changkyun, it hasn’t even been a year yet,” Minhyuk said softly. “It’s completely normal to still be upset by something like that. Hell, I still get nightmares about it sometimes and I wasn’t even there. I didn’t… see everything you did.”

“I’m sorry.” Changkyun started crying again. He felt so, so weak, but Minhyuk felt so warm and comforting.

“Why don’t we order breakfast?” Minhyuk offered. “Hyunwoo hyung probably won’t be up for a little longer, and I noticed you didn’t eat much at dinner.”

“Okay.” Changkyun wasn’t really hungry because he had just woken up, but he knew Minhyuk was right - again.

“Get whatever you want,” The elder smiled brightly, and Changkyun couldn’t help but return the smile. “We don’t have to rush this morning, thankfully. Call time isn’t until after lunch.”

“Thank you hyung.” Changkyun said, but didn’t move away from the elder. Minhyuk’s smile softened as he looked at his youngest.

“We can stay like this for a little longer,” He said, wrapping his arms around the rapper again. “Then we can order breakfast.”

**Author's Note:**

> This didn't write the way I planned it, but I've been feeling off recently so the fact that I've written anything at all is a miracle in itself. This is a little shorter than most of the oneshots that I post, but I'm hoping this can get me back into my one chapter a day schedule.


End file.
